One of the most common areas of disconnect between parents and students when it comes to school is a misunderstanding about what parents actually value. So often, conversations with parents highlight the parents’ desire to see their child do their best, be happy in life, grow and stretch themselves, and find something that they’re passionate about. All of these are good things.
However something odd happens when you ask the students what their parents value. Almost invariably, the students say “grades.” That’s quite a difference, and it’s often the source of considerable tension in a household, both when students struggle and when they make good grades, because it leads towards conflating identity with numerical performance.
Grades can be a useful tool for measurement, but they aren’t the ultimate measure of character, or for that matter, education.
So how do we get on the same page as our kids about what really matters, encouraging them to truly do their best without communication that their worth is wrapped up in a grade?
Tip #1: Praise effort over results. This isn’t a credo of everyone getting a trophy, but it does refocus our communication about what matters. When a student brings home a good grade, rather than praising merely the grade, perhaps we say something like, “Congratulations! The work you put into studying and paying attention in class is paying off.”
Tip #2: Be clear about what’s important. If the person is more important than the performance, then person-focused conversations should outweigh performance-focused conversations. If all we talk about is grades when the report card comes home, then we’re communicating that the grades are what matters most. However, if we season the moment with conversation about character, we can ensure that grades don’t become an idol.
Want to go deeper into the ways that our use of praise language can impact our kids? Check out this TED talk by growth mindset researcher Carol Dweck.
