As parents, it’s easy to slip into critique when our children bring us the ‘finished product’ of their efforts. A test score, a project, or even a decision can spark more criticism than encouragement. But what if we leaned into the process instead of the outcome?
I was listening to a sermon this morning about leadership. The pastor spoke about how easy it is to slip into a judgmental spirit toward things we did not help create, quickly moving from observation to criticism. I find this to be true in my own experience. When I consume a finished product, it is tempting to imagine how I would have done it differently, or even conclude that I could have done it better. This tendency is deeply human, but one we must resist as leaders, whether at work or at home.
As parents, this principle applies in powerful ways. We have the opportunity to engage in the messy process of growth and creation, rather than simply critiquing the final product. That process is often clunky, imperfect, and inefficient, but there is a beauty in the messy middle. It allows us to be human, to appreciate the humanity of others, and to embrace both the process and the product.
Here are a few ways to put this into practice with your children (or anyone you lead):
Lean into learning moments rather than just accomplishments – This idea is not a new one, but it bears repeating. Allow your students to learn things while the stakes are low. When we swoop in after the outcome to critique the grade, the decision, or the behavior, we miss the opportunity to engage in the deeper learning process.
Stay in communication during the process – When we remain in communication throughout the journey, not just at the start or the outcome, we model relational trust. Don’t wait until the report card comes home or the problem escalates, stay connected throughout the process. Both of these practices remind us that our role is not just to evaluate results but to shape growth in real time.
Too often, we miss the teaching center of messy situations. It is easy to acknowledge the problem, outline solutions, and set expectations for outcomes. While that framework is helpful, it overlooks the imperfect people involved. True growth happens when we support others in the process of creation and iteration. That means offering effort, not just evaluation.
The sweet spot is holding high standards while coming alongside with patience, encouragement, and endurance. This week, look for opportunities to model patience even as you define the end goal and endurance as you help your children (and yourself) persevere toward it. Remember, parenting is less about evaluating the final product and more about walking with our children in the messy middle.
